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[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
Someone asked if my niece was my sister and the look of pleasure on my 40 year old face was matched only by the look of horror on her teenage face
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
