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Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
My grade school was so tough when we picked teams for dodgeball you had to be sure to get at least one kid with 1st aid training
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
Breaking news:
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.