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Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
Husband: *belches
Me: Exactly!
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
My 6 year old asked to play charades with me yesterday. At first she was trapped behind an invisible wall, then suddenly she was eating soup, then driving a car. She dismissed each guess as completely absurd. Finally, frustrated by my ballerina guess, she said, “I’M A MIME, DAD!”
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
guilty
Silence of the Lambs is so relatable to me cuz I also understand the importance of moisturizing
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”