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Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time