Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”

bad news gang

So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?

It’s not like I knew my fly was open!

A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.

“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen

I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.

You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult

My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.

introducing two cats is tedium. not interested in your dumb politics just lick each other and be normal already

I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”

All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.

Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?

Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.

Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?

Sigmund Freud: I fell over

Me: A Freudian slip?

Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass

Me: Is it a bit of a pane?

Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune

Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud

“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations

“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations

I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.

Gonna stop calling it a mammogram and start referring to it as Squishmallows.

Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.

*two days later*

Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.

Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem

Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.

[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?

so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans

[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”

Me: What do you think of your haircut?

Wife: I need more volume

Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?

-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop

ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?

WIFE: Your crocs are melting.

tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup

Put a bar inside Home Depot you cowards.

Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?

TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*