🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
You Might Also Like
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
If you use your full name on here you’re either really brave or really crazy.
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
extrovert: *answers unknown number*
introvert: *googles the unknown number after sending it to voicemail*
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
“This almost never happens,” I apologise to my date as the gates of hell open up and a kangaroo hops out.
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.