🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
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Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
My husband texted me from Costco to let me know there was a long line & I think he was looking for me to say “don’t worry about it, just come home” but instead I said “don’t forget the ice.”
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
End any unnecessary conversations by saying ‘Activate Plan B’ into your pretend shoulder radio.
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
You can’t cancel our date I just put a new garbage bag over my broken car window
There’s only one way we’ll at least occasionally get normal elected officials and that’s if we pick them by random lottery
You’ll be OK
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
The principal (who is retiring next week) emailed us all to “remind” us that we aren’t supposed to show movies. There’s 7 days left. Who does she think she’s kidding
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.