馃幍 I can’t wait to
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You can鈥檛 offend me I have teenagers.
So the ex texted me
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
Sorry folks, Twitter鈥檚 broken. Moose out front should have told you.
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
God: you鈥檙e really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
i think we should see other cousins
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I鈥檓 gonna miss you so much
Him: I鈥檓 gonna make everyone think you鈥檙e my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I鈥橪L GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
I can鈥檛 afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
Job Counselor: now that you鈥檝e flunked dental school, what鈥檚 your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
You know you鈥檙e getting old when you鈥檙e entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you鈥檙e on wheel of fortune.
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker