🎵 I can’t wait to
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me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
I don’t know what I was expecting but, it was not that 😁
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
After 35, your body ages in dog years
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?