馃幍 I can’t wait to
You Might Also Like
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
Saw your ex at the shops
and now we wait
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
We weren鈥檛 going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
I keep every love note I鈥檝e ever written because one day I鈥檒l have grandchildren who will find them and it鈥檒l fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
I鈥檓 not saying I don鈥檛 love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn鈥檛 almost exclusively said when she鈥檚 pooping.
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn鈥檛 come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what鈥檚 the problem officer?
cop: it isn鈥檛 safe to eat and drive
me: oh I鈥檓 sorry
cop: I鈥檒l let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka鈥檚 factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there鈥檚 no reason to get angry.
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.