🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
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Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
I’ve planned our wedding to fall on the day of the Oasis concert, knowing that some family members, that we don’t want at the wedding, have got tickets. So, they’ll be invited, but they’ll have to decline and they’ll be frowned on, as they’re missing a wedding for Oasis
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.