Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.

Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?

them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg

me: try harder.

Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.

I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator

Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise

*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*

Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”

When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.

The cardboard doesn’t go in the oven with the pizza… does it.

Questions my toddler asked me this week:

– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?

How about your kid?

The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM

OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE

I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.

i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it

This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.

Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!

Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy

Romantic Emotional Stability Level:

I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.

Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.

4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?

Me: You don’t either!

4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now

TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u

-watches two minutes of the news

-locks kids in their rooms forever

My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.

God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones

Me: I was told there would be sleep

I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.

You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.

Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?

Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]

My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.

My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?

ugh fine

…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman

“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back