🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
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I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
told my sister “had to postpone my cat’s third birthday party because I forgot I told my rock climbing gym id cohost game night that same day” and she just replied “I think you might be the most boyfriendless person in all of history”
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
Can we please stop with the travel hack of booking seats on the aisle and window in the hope of having a spare seat in between? As a solo traveller who has now been stuck in between these travel hackers it sucks. Talking over me, passing snacks over me etc. Just sit together.
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
what’s more important?
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.