Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”

I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?

Her: Of course…

*walks out 26 minutes later*

Thanks.

My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.

“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?

My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.

i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports

“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”

My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”

“Do you want the latest dirt?”

-No, but I appreciate the sediment.

jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale

I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation

Lol

Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.

Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”

My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.

You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.

me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up

boss: hey we’re in a meeting

me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me

Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.

ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur

Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6

Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons

Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”

Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”

angel: whatcha making?

god: *sharpening a fly* bee

Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”

Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”

Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him

Baseball is weird in that you directly supply to your opponent the opportunity to score against you

I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.

I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me

Shit dude that SUCKS

-me as a 911 operator

I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second