🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
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7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
I can’t cook dinner if the can opener is broken, so I drove over it a few times just to make sure.
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
I don’t tweet for attention, I jog in a wedding dress
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
grotesque if literal: baby food
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.