Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Spanish Government: Anything further to report?

Shakira: No.

Shakira’s hips: YES!

*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away

fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is

scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask

fred: really no idea who it is

scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–

fred: just no way to know

My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.

Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.

Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?

me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!

JW: excuse me?

me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!

my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her

If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.

Broke my make-up mirror this morning.

I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”

“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”

– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.

[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”

a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip

My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.

I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.

Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets

[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”

If I could turn water into wine I’d have twelve disciples and a multitude of followers too

Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.

i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt

No one is more surprised than my kids every night when i say it’s bed time.

TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?

JAMES: he’s a-

ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer

Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.

half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer

after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry

If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.

I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.

If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.

Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.

*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck

Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost

One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.

I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz