Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cats are so graceful and light-footed.

[Cat tiptoes down the first half of the stairs and falls down the rest]

Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.

FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?

Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks

Me, 45: Looks like a million hams

After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.

Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.

[trial]

Judge: how do you plead?

“not guilty”

J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.

“he asked me to make him a pancake”

me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]

*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*

Teller: holy shit

Me: what

Teller: you suck at art

Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.

Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.

[hiking]

ME: I’m so tired

MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face

The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.

got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity

My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”

Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?

It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.

I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.

M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work

Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line

when circumstances permit and someone has done something naughty or rude on the road instead of honking at them or yelling i just try to catch their eye and wag my finger in the “no no” gesture because it’s what i personally would be the most enraged by

Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this

Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.

Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.

[one tweet gets 10 likes]

me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.

This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married

i hope this email finds you fast and furious

Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.

Family:

M:

Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.

Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.

My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.