🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
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Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
Yes, this is exactly right
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
I would probably have too much fun as a mortician asking customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking” as opposed to “Cremation” or “Burial”.
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
I have so many questions.
Banking tips
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that