Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.

Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*

Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.

Me: Head shoulders knees & toes

Doctor: ok no problem

Me: eyes ears mouth & nose

Doctor: that’s a different guy

No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.

i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot

It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.

me: i’m proposing to my gf

sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man

me: i need a ring lol

sonic: *nervous* haha

me: *pulling out a baseball bat*

That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.

I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.

So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.

Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.

“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”

-Me, when my husband has a cold.

what do you want to eat?

what are you in the mood for?

I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.

Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god

Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same

A cabbage a day keeps people away.

Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.

I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.

Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.

I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.

ME: it’s like a dream come true

UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen

Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!

[1st day as police officer]

PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!

ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.

[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.

I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.

Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.

*Me on a first date* centaurs have two rib cages

Pros and cons of doing something you love:

Pros: It’s something you love

Cons: Doing.

I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.