Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.

no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct

Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.

A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.

My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.

quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not having a job

“I think we should start touching other people.”

-Blind couple breaking up.

I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.

“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”

– Ludacris steps on a land mine

judge: please, rephrase the question

yoda lawyer:

What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation

Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.

Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth

me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish

steve: hi

dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me

Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.

The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti

Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.

I have so many questions.

I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.

I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.

BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.

PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?

Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute

My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.

Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.

WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]

Her: What’s that account pin again?

Me: 051598

Her: Our wedding anniversary?

Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.

Her:

Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)

Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.

Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2

I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.

So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.

At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.