Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!

We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.

“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.

Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”

[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?

Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.

“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”

*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*

Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.

My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:

them: is that a real sword

me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy

I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard

Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it

We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.

Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like

Also me: why am I still single

You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit

If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.

Him: Are you mad?

Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing

Her: No, I’m fine, why?

I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.

An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth

~ realistic wedding vows

My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.

13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.

how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer

Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone

Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.

You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac

[Robot Uprising]

Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822

What about a To-Don’t List?

Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”