Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?

Emojis are fun for when you want to express emotions using disembodied heads.

King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again

King (drunk af): let the horses try

So, this morning I went into the garage and noticed the attic was wide open. We don’t use it and it’s a heavy panel, so I was freaked out already but trying to play it cool for my kid.

But tell me why my 5yo stared straight into the darkness and said “a man lives there.”

[Last day of school for the year]

Kids: Yay!

Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]

[pediatricians office]

8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!

Me: Please don’t say it like that.

DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread

I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.

Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.

Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*

The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png

LOL at people with only 99 problems

What’s that like?

You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.

What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?

Me: when is your birthday

Her: March 1st

Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?

A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away

A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away

Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.

It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.

wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa

I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.

I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.

Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.

First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.

Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?

[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi

[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”

The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.

You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.

Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.

Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.

My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard

364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today

Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..

but if you do, get the dental work first.