🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
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Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
me hitting on a model
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
My mom’s Jewish and my dad’s Catholic so they decided to raise me batshit
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
looks legit
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.