Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: How are you doing?

4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!

Me: Same though.

Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.

Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met

Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job

Search History:

Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #

new dr. seuss book dropping:

11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”

Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.

I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.

Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time

Toddler: I WANNA HELP!

I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space

Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop

Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there

For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.

My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.

[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]

7: Golf is not fun to watch

ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context

7: What are nuances and context

Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make

7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not

Me:

7: Usually not

Me:

7: They aren’t even good at it.

The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.

every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea

when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”

I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge

As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.

Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.

Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby

I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.

me: can i get some ketchup?

waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant

me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz

[at the gym]

GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.

If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍

The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.

Interviewer: so tell me your strengths

Me: conducting interviews

Interviewer: *narrows eyes*

Me: so tell me your weaknesses

Interviewer: *starts sweating*

My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.