Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..

As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.

When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.

Roombae.

I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.

Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off

Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry

Watching the news and they keep referring to the “late president Carter.” Let’s cut the guy some slack, how do you expect him to get anywhere on time? He’s dead!!

t-shirt is short for “television shirt”

Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”

ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication

Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?

*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*

Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom

Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario

Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks

Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???

I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.

date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”

Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*

Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.

Me: *starts another book while I wait*

*two hours later*

Libby app: Your hold is ready.

When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.

“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”

“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms

I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous

My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.

oh you hate me? name all of my flaws

How did you get this number..?

– me to my whole family..

your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out

coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole

detective: and that’s what killed him?

coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no

Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.

They don’t give a fork.