đ”If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourdsđ”
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
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Donât worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners⊠Daddy loves you just as much.
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
Me: I donât care if schools open, youâre not going.
13: I am going! Youâre not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
Iâm papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I havenât a clue.
For the patternâs all wrong,
Or the paperâs too long,
And Iâm stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshopâŠnow I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what Iâm dealing with here?
Guys disappear for days then say âwydâ âŠ.no mf what were YOU doing!!
Iâm never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesnât allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they canât quite believe they are outdoors and canât fathom how theyâve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
Confession: Half the time I told my sisterâs friends she wasnât home it was so I didnât have to take the phone to her.
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the pastâŠ
⊠and that world peace thing.
Is that a banana in your pocket or⊠oh wait that is a banana. Sir Iâm with super market security. Please come with me.
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Letâs break down the door.
ME: I got this⊠[knocks] âGIRL SCOUT COOKIES!â<door flies open>
ă €
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* SoooâŠare you gonna finish that?
âOut of sight, out of mindâ doesnât work for donuts.
My 18yo daughter doesnât think Iâm funny, so Iâm going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to âice ice babyâ
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
âI loves hows youâve done me spinach Doc!â Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. âThe secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.â
A scrub is a guy who thinks heâs fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. Sheâs a nurse apparently
Hey, people âlikingâ Walmart on Facebook â you OK?
this is the news I live for
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.