Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.

Kids will really get mad and tell you Mom don’t ever do THAT again, and THAT is just sending fruit in their school lunch

Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?

* smiles suggestively *

Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.

If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby

As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.

I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line

the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit

I bought my friends an elephant for their room.

They said: Thank you.

I said: Please don’t mention it.

Husband: *leaves to run an errand*

Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*

I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.

*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth

YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…

Oh

I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.

The wasps relocated from the grill to the patio umbrella. Someone needs to talk to them about their life choices but it’s not going to be me cause they can sting you over and over and My Girl you and then go on with their lives like nothing

Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk

Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.

Customer: Can someone else serve us?

Me:?

C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.

M: Satan wants their tiny souls.

Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?

saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face

Unsolved mysteries, cat edition

INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel

When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.

I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.

Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee

I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background

When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?

Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.

~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.

Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.

The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.

A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.