Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.

I’m a self-made hundredaire

My neighbor said he heard me having sex today but it was just me standing in front of my air conditioner.

Interviewer: How do you define success?

Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.

On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.

I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.

the rocks need my help

Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.

Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.

I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.

[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t

What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you

Me: How was school?

11-year-old: It was a normal day.

Me: So it was good?

11: I didn’t say that at all.

Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it

genie: you have 3 wishes

cat: i want to go out

genie: ok

cat: and back in again

genie: done

cat: and back out again

genie: ffs

Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.

It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.

ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what

Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”

When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out

Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.

I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.

Me: You look amazing with glasses.

Her: OMG thanks

Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.

Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito

“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh

THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood

THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…

THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing

Prior authorizations be like:

My doctor: You need this medicine.

Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.

Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.

Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.

I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”

just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏

In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.

I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down