Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever

I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport

I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.

– 11, missing the point of Lent

Me: it’s not illegal

Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.

Me: but it’s not illegal

Cop: no, no it’s not

A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”

Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.

Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?

I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.

I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.

3-year-old: Let’s play zombies

Me: OK

3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby

She tricked me into playing house

Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.

phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?

me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box

My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.

I’ll see myself out.

Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:

interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years

me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away

Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.

Me: *driving*

My mom at every turn:

“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”

That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.

My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.

I hunt* my own food.

*run down the street after the ice cream truck

8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER

toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that

Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.

This is bullshit!

You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…

Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.

i baked you a cake

Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma

If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now

They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple

I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.

Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.