Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.

Me: You have to do your homework.

My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?

Me: Obviously yes.

*holding flashlight to face*

And then I pressed……update all.

*children screaming*

“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance

Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day

Absolute fiend for dumbass plot devices in fantasy stories. I love it when there’s some stupid magic orb that fixes everything, you just need to find it.
“The kingdom is in peril! Champion, you must find the Cube of Fix Precisely This Specific Problem.”
I will snort it like snow.

HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats

Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!

If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.

Got kicked out of Scale Model Club for suggesting we change our name to the Itty Bitty City Committee.

No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.

Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”

Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.

Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally

Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew

me: hi do you take walk ins?

funeral parlor director: what?

If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.

Note to Self:

‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’

Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?

Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails

if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night

Good dog. ❤️

Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?

Have you tried locking him in your trunk?

Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.

Hey people – learn to spell!!!

I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.

[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.

Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.

You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.

Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*

Mgr: What’d she want?

Me: nothing.

Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?