馃幍Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR馃幎
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If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
If you鈥檙e a parent don鈥檛 forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone鈥檚 about to explain bitcoin
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you鈥檙e sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn鈥檛 matter if it鈥檚 an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn鈥檛 matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
I can鈥檛 believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I鈥檒l make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
Me recordaron 茅ste meme
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
Your windows aren’t that tinted that I can’t still see you picking your nose.
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my r茅sum茅 to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
tattoos are a great convo starter. So as an introvert I kinda regret getting them
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 馃槅馃槄馃檳
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
The biggest lesson I learned while drunk is that one should never put the chips in the same cabinet as the cheese grater
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
Shortcut
Doing stand up comedy feels like I鈥檓 doing a book report on a book I didn鈥檛 read.
Me: they didn鈥檛 have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn鈥檛 have cars
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
