Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way

At the urinal in an I-95 rest stop bathroom:

Siri’s voice (from my back pocket): Turn left.

Man to the left of me: Please don’t.

English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.

Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight

There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.

I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.

roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who

My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.

Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car

Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.

Pilot: welcome aboard

Fighter pilot: [right hook]

[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you

Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.

Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:

– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan

someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it

[boxing match]

TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’

CHAMP: I’m not too good at math

TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right

CHAMP: Or politics

My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.

At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.

I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*

*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day

I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.

Plant care tips

[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another

While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.

I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.

Acting like you’re reaching to answer the reference desk phone while you’re actually trying to let the other librarian get to it first is an upper-level skill, they don’t teach you this stuff in library school

ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin

“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”

– me, walking my dog at night

I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.

Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.

The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!

8-12yo’s apparently