Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

it is so crazy how many hours are actually in a day when u wake up before 11:30 am…..wow………do people know about this

Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.

*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*

when someone compliments me

me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome

blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?

me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course

Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too

BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home

ME: please, i have a family

SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*

SONOFA

Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.

[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”

I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.

Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?

5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.

Me: You’ve never had coffee.

5-year-old: Exactly.

(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”

me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok

Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.

I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle

Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.

2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.

2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.

[ date ]

her: i have a PhD

zombie: *jaw falls off*

I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.

My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean

Orange is oranging 🟠

Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.

I passed with flying carpets.

Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.

I need sex to help my sex life, not food.

nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works

DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS

how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense

Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star

Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor

Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.

Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me: