Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫

*gloating* I just broke the internet

Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.

“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”

-no girl ever

You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.

me: I invited my boss to dinner

her: I thought you hated him

me: I didn’t have any choice

my boss: should I leave?

My work here is done

As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.

*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*

This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?

date offered me her hot tub and started cutting up carrots into it after i got in

am i cooked

The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.

Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.

People with no volume control stress me out.

I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.

ㅤ

this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same

What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on

*Viewing apartments

Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…

Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts

If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.

Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!

A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller

Leaving an open jar of mayo on my desk in case anyone needs a hit

Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.

If only

My husband left me this morning. Again.

he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.

If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.

imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do

Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.

lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit

officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk

floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*

Friend: If you give it some deep thought—

Me: Let me stop you right there.

The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides

My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?