Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

– “I love Beyoncé…

– Whatever floats your boat mate.

– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.

– …”

I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key

Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.

So, I guess it’s hereditary.

*first day as a lawyer*

Bailiff: All rise for the judge.

Me: *too lazy* Objection.

The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”

cop: did anyone follow you here

jesus: no

cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it

I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.

Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.

My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.

Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws

To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.

I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”

Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more

Oh deer

Black and white films:

MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?

*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS

Apologizing after bumping into a mannequin is embarrassing, but apologizing a second time is significantly worse when the mannequin moves and you realize you just said “sorry, I thought you were a person” to a live human being

I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.

Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down

ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.

When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”

meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned

me: way ahead of you

Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza

Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?

Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*

I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.

Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again

my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you

At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral

Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them

Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?

Me: Um no, just holding hands

Every time I buy something now

✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day

Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.