Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“don’t worry about a thing”

“why”

“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”

“what about all the big things”

“ooh forgot about big things”

mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro

they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.

You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.

So inspired right now.

I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.

How to tell if your wife is mad at you

1. She is

Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.

Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.

[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo

My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.

Whoa… oh I see lol

Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?

My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.

[taking out wet laundry]

me: finally everything’s clean!

that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?

Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.

I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.

I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.

This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.

Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*

Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate

Me: *shyly lifts top*

Husband: no

[courtroom]

me: good morning, Judge McDonald

Judge: you will address the court properly

Me:

Judge: or be found in contempt

Me: Good morning, Your Ronald

6: that’s none of your business

4: it IS my business

6:

4: what does business mean

Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion

BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add

Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.

Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.

“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”

Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.

TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit

The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers