Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.

i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair

i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.

Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?

Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade

Me: Sweet!

Clerk: Exactly

*Cracks knuckles*

“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”

I’ve got two, maybe three, quests left in me, but only if someone carries my horse.

Husband: How’s your diet going?

Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.

Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.

Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs

idea for a movie:

a bear who is a parent

captures a psychotherapist

to cook as dinner for the cubs

and the movie is called

(and i’m very very sorry)

“kids, i honeyed the shrink”

guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”

Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh

Bad: at 4 AM.

My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.

Anyway, she’s my new life coach.

The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests

If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?

When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?

Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.

Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.

*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*

the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here

[first day on SWAT team]

SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”

<door flies open>

{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?

I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants

[battle]

ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit

SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word

M: It means give up

S: Oh cool. Lets do that

If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.

dentist: lay on the chair please

me: ok

dentist: face up

My son hugged me and very sweetly told me Happy Mother’s Day. Then he looked up at me, “I have a surprise for you!” And he took out his recorder…

Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.