🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
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Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
High school field trip, I caused a panic when visiting a World War One trench in Ypres. Stood on something metallic that crunched under my foot. Refused to move. People panicked that I had stood on an old land mine. Cue police, firefighters, army, bomb disposal. It was a Coke can
*performs CPR on the turkey*
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
ＳＵｂｍｉＴ ＹｏＵｒ ＳＯｕＬ
ｔＯ ＥｔｅｒｎＡＬ ＨｅＬＬ ｆｉＲｅ
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems đźŽ