Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I

[Tinder]

Dora: Swiper no swiping!

Swiper: Oh mannn…

I have 2 words for you:

Waffle.
Pants.

Also, I may be high from paint fumes.

[at restaurant]

Table for two please.

“Do you have reservations?”

Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.

[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE

Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?

me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*

cop: can you describe the suspect

witness: he was no more than 6 feet

cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god

you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.

[being murdered]

me: hey are u Scottish

murderer: yes why

me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt

[murdering intensifies]

publisher: tell me all about it

orwell: it’s about a farm

publisher: sounds good

orwell: with animals

publisher: naturally

orwell: and they’re fascists

publisher: of course

I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone

Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird

The kid next to me on the flight sang we don’t talk about bruno pretty much the entire time and had the audacity to keep calling me mom

the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget

Sending my 6yo to law school considering how many arguments I’ve had to hear about why he should get to eat pumpkin pie today

Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.

If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.

*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks up

Nice.

4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.

[Getting ready to go out]

Her: Is that what you’re wearing?

Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.

My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.

You can extend the olive branch..

but you can’t beat them over the head with it

[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!

If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.

I’m steeping a pot of lavender mint tea, whilst higher than a pterodactyl’s pee pee,
and I love this for me.

ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?

BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?

TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.

Haters gonna hate.

Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…