🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
You Might Also Like
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
My kids tried to explain Skibidi Toilet to me.
To my parents, who were always confused by all the weird things I was into: I’m sorry.
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed