Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me

Me: I thought you were going to read.

10-year-old: I am.

Me: You’re watching a movie.

10: I got it from the library.

Checkmate.

[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else

5, 6, 7, 8 is the LMNOP of the numbers

When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”

my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”

me: i’m sorry

gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?

me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas

gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy

me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence

[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die

I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter

A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.

If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.

My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.

Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice

[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?

How to numbers:

1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?

I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.

Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.

My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math

Ants can be found on every continent except Antarctica, which is weird considering their name.

What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.

What I heard: You should go shopping.

ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.

ME IN 2022:
Oh.

As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.

On a related note, my new contacts came in.

favorite tropes as memes

Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.

But he’s never made it as a wise man.

If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”

If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.

Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika

In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”

Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now

Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?