Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.

“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.

Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?

I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker

St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.

this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that

ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change

ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun

bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery

banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*

bank robber: *points gun* not that cool

PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?

[self checkout]

daaaaang i look good

Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.

You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.

[First Date]

Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting

Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too

*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”

[Rain]

Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes

I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out

I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.

Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.

Me: I told him he would look good in it.

Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities

Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?

A chihuahua is just a barking cat.

The cool thing about being a procrastinator is really bad ideas also don’t ever make it off the ground.

Some people say the key to a successful marriage is communication, but it’s actually keeping your mouth shut when they send you anything from the Internet that you already saw two weeks ago.

Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife

The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”

(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground

I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.

-me canceling my Dr appt

“It’ll be dead soon. Nature abhors a vacuum.”
-commentsivehadafew

Me: I lost 13 pounds.

Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!

Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!

*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*

Justin: OMG we are so…

Jessica: DON’T say it.

Justin: …N*Sync

an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud