Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Probably the best newspaper correction ever

#BritishSausageWeek

The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.

Think of a thing.

Theres an e cig flavor for that.

My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.

[call]

MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.

ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.

MOM: what?

ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.

*spreads rose petals on the bed*

[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”

My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.

[1 MINUTE LATER]

My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…

There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.

“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]

Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.

“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”

“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”

[being murdered]

me: hey are u Scottish

murderer: actually i am

me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt

[murdering intensifies]

How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?

Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.

I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.

You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?

That’s how I’m handling adulthood.

2000: I don’t want no scrubs

2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.

Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?

Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her

I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.

It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning

“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”

-Humans

waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?

me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?

I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.

Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.

*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*

People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day

me: how much for the wireless mouse?

pet store employee: that’s a hamster

me: why does nobody like me

therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic

me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how

Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.

ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?

STUDENT: um

ME: this is important

STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?

ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker