🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
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I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
oh my gosh!!
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.