🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
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If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
The glockness monster
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
My kid: you took my KitKat, didn’t you?
Me:
Me: I am shocked!
My kid: are you shocked because you took my KitKat or are you shocked because I could figure it out?
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.