🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
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When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
whenever i wake up before my alarm
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
These are the questions people should be asking. 🤣
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
Me: The woman next door thinks you’ve been spying on her. Go over and tell her you’d never do that.
Him: Okay. I’ll go as soon as she’s out of the shower
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
you’re damn right i have
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
boat question
Why is it called “owl city” if there’s 10 million fireflies and no owls. should be called firefladelphia.
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house