Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.

Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.

Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.

I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.

Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.

My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss

I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!

[restaurant]

ME: My compliments to the chef.

WAITER: I’ll certainly..

ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.

Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.

Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.

[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*

work smarter, not harder

Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.

WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus

It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.

Passenger Announcement: For all those going to the yodelling competition in Geneva, please go to Gate 37 and form an orderly orderly orderly queue.

What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?

Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot

I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.

Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons

Me: Like what?

Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die

Me: And what are the cons?

Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.

5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.

Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.

Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.

I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.

Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?

The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:

You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.

As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.

[i see a hot girl walking her dog]

me: hi, can i ask you a question?

her: hi, uh, sure

me: i was talking to your dog

her: oh haha ok

me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me