Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[inventing worcestershire ​sauce]

Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.

Perrins: That might work.

bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point

I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.

I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe

I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?

Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “

Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”

The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.

If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.

Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it

Me: I’m not surprised

Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk

My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee

I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.

23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.

I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.

My parents just called.

M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.

ME: You should watch it from the beginning?

M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.

ME: Okay.

M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?

Son: What’s for dinner

Me: Tater tots

Son: What else?

Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur

Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.

My kid: I’ll look

Me: No, no one is going to look

Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-

Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON

My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.

Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.

My 6yo told me his classmate has a pet wolf, and it’s giving him some ideas about our current pet situation

What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?

[Day 5]

GOD: What do you think?

ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.

[Child reading their story to the class]

& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.

The End

Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time

My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.

Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit

me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*

flight attendant: STOP THAT

Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee

“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up

nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed

Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.

Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol