🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
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whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
My daughter sat beside me on the bed with a granola bar, so I’m gonna get back at her by eating powdered donuts in hers.
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!