Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.

No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.

Him: I’m a morning person

Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??

i love nyc i was hungover beyond belief and watched the nypd arrest 2 or 3 fake timothee chalamets this afternoon. perfect sunday.

Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]

My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?

His cousin: yeah sure

My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?

A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.

mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?

This dudes dogs 😁battle cry

If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?

good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee

Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720

One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.

Interviewer: What do you have to offer our television news team?

Me: It’s something that could save your life. What is it? I’ll tell you tonight.

Interviewer: How soon can you start?

Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.

Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”

Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid

Me: these say they have another week

*throws them in the cart*

Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively

Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company

My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.

Me: Wtf?

[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.

Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met

Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job

“Bob is coming over for dinner.”

Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?

*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*

Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!

the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell

[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse

You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.

You’re hopeless.

Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.

Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.

Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.