Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.

Wow planes really have bad luck on that day

Pretty sure the best place to hide a dead body is in a tab you opened in a new window to read later.

You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.

One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?

PANCAKE

ok I need you to step out of the car

Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.

I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard

“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty

“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”

“It’s still inside my pencil” is the best answer I’ve ever had from a first grader who was asked, “Where’s your journal writing?”

[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile

You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.

Revenge is a dish best served by cutting a sandwich horizontally instead of diagonally

*Paranormal Factivity*

[I walk into my bathroom]

“OH MY GOD”

[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]

Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.

No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.

Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.

“Hi, I’d like to ask a question.”
“That’s why I’m here.”
“Actually, first I’d like to make a statement.”
“Sorry, this is the questions desk. You’ll need to take that to the statements desk.”
“Uh-huh and where’s that?”
“Not sure. I’d say ask them, but they don’t take questions.”

Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?

Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon

Him: you mean secret ingredient?

*catapult launching sound*

My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it

[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”

LADIES imagine this,

its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little

Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?

What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*

[Job Interview]

“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”

“36”

“That’s not even close”

“But it was quick”

I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.

My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.

me: this could’ve been an email

[gets email]

me: no not like that

Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”

So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.

I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.