Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Daughter: I drew a picture of you

Me: where’s my big muscles?

Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question

* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!

God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE

[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK

[Last day in prison]

*Walks up to the biggest guy*

Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.

Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.

Listen up, guys

Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose

What to do when threatened by a bear:

1. Play dead.
2. No longer have to pretend.

Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world

Ash: i’m a kid

Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you

Ash: that sounds dangerous

Oak: keep it caged in a ball

Ash: kinda harsh

Oak: catch’em all

Ash: you okay bro

Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS

You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?

That’s the whole month of January for me

If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.

Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.

Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.

*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*

Wife: OMG, Are you OK?

Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!

Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.

Me: Wait, What??

Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.

The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.

Cleaning out the fridge and doing dishes is cathartic. It is a perfect time to reflect and plot your revenge on every single person that has ever wronged you.

I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”

I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now

[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep

The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.

All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall

Lean in

And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’

I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.

It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.

Humans were not meant to have this many passwords

[first date]

“You’re not into anything weird right?”

-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*

Me: so what does your husband do?

Her: he’s a dermatologist

Me: pore guy :/

I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings

I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.

her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?

me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?