🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
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Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
What if there were a liquid that tasted like acidic, sour dirt?
– inventor of cranberry juice
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.