Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.

I love the smell of relapse in the morning

WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”

[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs

Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough

Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”

[after eating a weird candy on the willy wonka tour]
me: ok…I think I’m ok. none of my body parts seem to be effected, and they’d be singing if—

oompa loompa: 🎶oompa loompa doompety deenis🎶

me: aaaah… darn. darn it.

Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me

Therapist: That’s where I can help

Me: Great

Therapist: They don’t

When Hulk wrecks shit he’s “incredible.” When I do it I’m “causing a scene” and “need to leave this Arby’s immediately.”

My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.

Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.

Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?

Rhino: What’s in it for me?

Bird: I’ll warn you of danger

Rhino: I don’t have predators

Bird:

Rhino:

Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening

[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”

Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.

My mother is bringing three of her favorite side dishes to dinner: green bean casserole, criticism, and passive aggressive comments

I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.

Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?

Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.

A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.

*strips naked*

“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”

Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?

“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”

At peace with myself?

We can’t even decide which channel to watch

Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.

But… why can’t I use my teeth?

[bedtime]

daughter: dad, i’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while i’m sleeping

me: don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first

daughter: …

me: night, sweetheart

guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees

me: yes sensei

guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature

me: did he succeed, sensei?

guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard

Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”

Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.

One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!

[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?

[farm]

SON: *crying*

ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them

SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!

ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him

WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog