š¶ Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty š¶
You Might Also Like
Me: Iād like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kartā¦if youāre in to mature women
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: Iād like a car loan
Me: Iām not lending you my car
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me āthe WORST.ā
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
[date]
HER: Iām studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know itās your stupid hair. Thatās what today has been like.
I canāt help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: hereās every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys donāt hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
shout outs to the guy at work tonight playing pool with his friend who asked me to play āEverlongā by foo fighters so he could āpower upā, followed by his friend very sweetly and very earnestly asking me not to play it because he would āpower upā
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: Youāre thinking about how Nellie Breton didnāt invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didnāt come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everythingās intact?
Him: Iām fiā¦
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
Itās a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass weād have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of āWheels on the Busā I couldnāt breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and whatās the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
I have to wonder why we have ānon-essentialā government employees in the first place.
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but sheās ok now, I was caught.
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but weāre not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isnāt there, leaves*
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific
Sometimes I need a break from myself but itās like ugh everywhere I go there I am.