Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…

A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.

This cat looks like Wilford Brimley

If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.

You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.

Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie

[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]

ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.

8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”

[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinking

PATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up

I’m not defending anyone, I’m just saying I’ve seen some sexy couches.

COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.

And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold

“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”

“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”

My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.

Who did it better?

The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.

I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min

I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough

My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.

[Sloth Job Interview]

Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?

*2 hours later*

Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.

You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.

WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”

Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.

can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands

I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone

Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?

I have no idea what she’s talking about.

5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.

Apparently I am the fly.

ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth