đ¶ Thatâs me in the corner
Thatâs me in the spot light
Eating a banana đ¶
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I am patiently waiting for your email
me: whoâs ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
My mom still hasnât used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, âI donât want it to judge our house.â
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else heâs dead
[pokes your baby with a stick]
whatâs it do?
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I canât be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
Is it fall yet? I really canât suck my stomach in much longer.
When this pandemic is over, Iâm going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just societyâs way of preparing you for your driverâs license photo.
Reviews of Hogwarts
âââââ
âThe very best school of wizarding and witchcraftââââââ
âGreat teachers, superb quidditch fieldââââââ
âAt least one student dies every yearâ
Me: hear me outâ a food truck that sells crab related products called âCrab and Goâ
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
Man: âIf I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?â Priest: âNo, not if you did not know.â Man: âThen why did you tell me?â
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, âNow youâve gone too farâ with a piece of thread.
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
âSo how did you get into Classical Music?â
Me:
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, âActually, itâs racist NOT to eat people.â And youâre 95% sure heâs just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure youâre not racist
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all thatâs an inmate.
Friend: I havenât had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I havenât had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
Iâm literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
âI am not creepyâ I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
Say âexcrementâ instead of âexcellentâ. Nobody will notice because people really donât listen for shit.
EMERGENCY!!! THEREâS A NEW ONE!!!!!
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: Iâm thirsty
Dad: IâmâŠthirsty
T: Iâm hungry
D: IâmâŠHâŠHi Hungry, Iâm Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a â-1â where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird