🎶…we didn’t start the fire🎵
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The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.