š¶ā¦we didnāt start the firešµ
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I only like to read about non violent historical events. Iām a pastifist.
A lot of childhood characters werenāt so much beloved as there wasnāt anything else on the tv
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos ā
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before youāve even barely woken up
Donāt know if itās the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but itās getting so a guy canāt even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
My boyfriendās bike was stolen out of our backyard today. It was meticulously locked up around our fence, so you might ask me āKaitlin, if it was so meticulously locked up on the fence they how did they steal it?ā
That is because they also stole the fence.
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
Even in my early 20ās, I was diagnosed with late stage 40ās.
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & thatās all well & good but they totally got the giraffeās accent wrong.
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I canāt speak. Iām a geek. Birds have feathers.
Friend: Youāll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
Iām the kind of girl who wonāt stop until youāre screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safewordās the first 16 digits of your credit card.
omfg i HATE when kids scream in publicā¦ u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] āA pineapple it is then.ā
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, whatāre you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummmā¦nothing
Him: Thatās hot
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you shouldāve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my sonās train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOLāS
oh my gosh!!
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring donāt open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
āHopefully to arrest me.ā
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, Iām not expecting them to be practical
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
Me: itās better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: youāre only two! what does that mean?
The spelling of ābourgeoisieā was intended as yet another means of oppression