Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit

Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?

Me: When she comes

Him: I know but when

Me: When she comes dude

Him: That’s not a time

Me: I’m going off of the information I have

Him: Do you know the horses she has?

Me: Yes six white horses

Him: See how do you know that

I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone

Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay

Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfish

Fin

If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.

You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner

it’s time for some pepper spray

-me, in a crowded elevator

Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.

[looking up at night sky]

Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.

Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.

Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.

When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.

Why do I have so many emails?

I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.

Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?

Can’t believe I ruined my diet again, went over by one gram of uranium (18 million calories)

Facebook-

You: Going to a concert tonight!

Friend: Sweet, what concert?

Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO

Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.

And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.

Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*

Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something

And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much

Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)

a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place

No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again

The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.

[first date]

Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?

Her:

Me: Yeah, good choice.

*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*

me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”

If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.

Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!

Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.

I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.

If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?

I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike

“What’s this switch for?” he asked.

“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”

Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.