Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: We need to talk

Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?

Common sense: Walk away.

Me: No.

ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.

Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?

Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.

Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.

6: OK. But who makes the rules?

Me:

6:

Both of us: Mom.

If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.

TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:

My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband

We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.

It feels like the right time to invest in the guillotine industry.

[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.

Me: Can I leave work early?

Boss: Only if you make up the time

Me: Ok, It’s 45 past 60

Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.

My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.

Flex on your kids by asking “are we there yet?” before they do

Seas the day!!!!

you don’t understand, mom, those are my emotional support boxes of miscellaneous junk that I need to store unopened in your basement for somewhere between 3 and 35 years

I stopped at Culver’s and got cheese curds. I felt so guilty, I really should’ve gotten some onion rings too.

Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]

Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.

shazam but for random noises outside

There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.

I finally got rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying.

I’m ex-static!

#DadJoke

My dating checklist is down to “not the Unabomber”

Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight

“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.

Me: why can’t I lose weight?

Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake

Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.

Before countdowns were invented:

*6:30 at Chili’s*

Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?