🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
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*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
I support this random dude and all his protests
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.