Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

He died doing what he loved.

He didn’t know she was married.

explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone

Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.

Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.

Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget

Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:

7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind

PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.

HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.

*finds another dead plant on patio*

[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!

Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies

I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years

My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?

Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend

I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…

She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.

My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever

I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.

I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.

Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?

Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.

which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.

I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.

“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats

Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?

. : can i have that?

me: have what?

: : thanks

me. wait

⠸ : yoink

me stop that

Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.

Me: Sweet.

SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.

the wife told me that we’re invited to a country themed party so I’m wearing this

Have you ever been so jealous of an idea

Sombrero is better than nobrero.