Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week

Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.

Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?

me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate

them: why can’t you just say it’s raining

[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance

Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”

*leans in for a kiss*

Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”

at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked

Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?

Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.

Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.

Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.

HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.

I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL

Talking to funeral home director:

Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”

MIL: “Let go of me!”

Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything

You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.

Shots it is!

I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.

The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars

SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.

ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.

SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.

Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.

I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.

I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.

Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?

Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to

My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat

Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password

Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE

Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.

We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.

Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*

I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!

Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.