Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.

Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children

I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.

Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.

I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.

Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!

-Me eating Oreos

wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die

Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.

We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.

BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA

“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”

“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”

Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child

Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.

Therapist: what’s upsetting you?

Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly

Me: cry me a table, Linda

Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.

PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.

There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.

Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?

cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell

[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks

Lol.

First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.

Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.

Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.

David Attenborough, the confusing early years

My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.

Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.

Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.

Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af