🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
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They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
“soooo little update I’m kinda seeing someone..” — me to my psychiatrist about the tall shadowy figure in a bowler hat in the corner of my room
Me: NOTHING GETS DONE IN THIS HOUSE UNLESS I DO IT MYSELF!
Also me: *lives alone*
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
yea so i messed up lol
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
HR: Can you explain why your drug test shows incredibly high levels of THC?
Me: Tennessee Hot Chicken? Yeah, I eat that every time I get high.