Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.

Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.

If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.

Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.

Feels

*quits Twitter to spend time with family*

*remembers what family is like*

*quits family for Twitter*

Steam Forums

“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”

“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”

“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”

Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.

God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.

Him: I’d take a bullet for you

Me: I’ll allow it.

The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs

When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.

Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425

Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.

You sound smart. You some kinda ‘ologist?

Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1624422715066134528/pu/vid/390x712/PsIhUEqvLUS5612g.mp4?tag=12

I know that I’m tall and pale and round, but there’s no need to call for the Ghostbusters and scream that Stay Puft is attacking the city again

All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.

I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.

We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.

“How about Radio Shack?”

Perfect.

[bum holds his hand out]

“can I have some change?”

change comes from within

“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”

Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.

Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?

When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”

I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?

Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.

[1st date]

*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*

*but also, be sensitive*

I like to work with my hands,

But splinters make me cry.

It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.

Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”