Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.

Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.

Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.

*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees

“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”

This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.

You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…

They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?

I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.

chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.

me: oh cool thanks man.

chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.

me:

chipotle guy: so i can charge you.

me:

chipotle guy: for the guac.

before coffee: don’t talk to me

after coffee: please don’t talk to me

My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being

Santa: *deep sigh*

Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?

S: *shakes head*

MK: Covid?

S: *shakes head*

MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?

S: *nods vigorously*

Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.

Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice

I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”

DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers

Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension

[At the Dr]

Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.

Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.

I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?

Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries

Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”

Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.

grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything

The most unbelievable thing on TV is when a killer is in the house and someone hides in empty space under the bed. You mean to tell me you’re not keeping 6 storage bins, three rolls of Christmas wrapping paper, and a box of old papers under there

Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?

Like they do now… Holy shit.

[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]

Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!

[At microphone]

*clears throat*

“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”

*crowd cheers*

“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”

You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.

I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.

CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber

BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!