🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
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*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
Mistakes were made
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
“That’s what” – She
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
sensitive skin
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
I triple waxed for this?
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
Proofread twice, hang posters once
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday