Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.

Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.

If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.

(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law

Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?

Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.

God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?

Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.

[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC

Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —

Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.

😂👽

all i want is to be as happy as this potato

It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.

Even if it is no one’s birthday.

They don’t even check.

excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.

I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.

Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.

Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.

[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him

*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?

if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.

tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.

It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?

[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*

“Hi, I have an appoint-“

“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”

Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝

Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social

Cat:

Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous

Cat:

*power goes out*

Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*

Cat: you were saying

If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.

[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]

ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day

Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?