🎶It’s like 10,000 steps when all you need is a nap🎶
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[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
I’ve finally made it big in New York. My apartment has a walk-in kitchen! Now I just have to practice walking sideways
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
I also stopped visiting a friend of mine because he had a snake. The last time I visited him, I asked him where his snake was because it wasn’t in its cage and he told me he didn’t know but it’s somewhere around the house. 😭 I left immediately.
Weirdly Wednesday.
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
That’s easy for you to say
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
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hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
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Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help