Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.

How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end

Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you

*at Pearly Gates

Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark

St. Peter: Mittens, I said no

[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESS

MURDERER: What?

ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on

sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”

There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot

Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.

I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them

Me: Remember when I rubbed you out?

Genie: Stop saying it like that.

me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?

my cat: yes

HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….

Me: But…

Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.

He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.

“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”

Me at a rave: Where the fuck are the chairs

[first time skydiving]

Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*

Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet

The three ages of bureaucrat:

Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?

Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings

Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings

(watching Simone Biles do 100 flips) I could do that.. for the right paycheck

[in restaurant]

“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”

“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.

A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”

“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”

[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga

yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist

My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine

just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics

My kid: I bet you had just black and white movies growing up
Me: excuse me, I am not that old
My kid: also did you have crayons or just greyons?

Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition: