🎶It’s like 10,000 steps when all you need is a nap🎶
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idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
Never been caught up in a rap feud but I did once fall afoul of a patisserie chef who in an act of revenge named a particularly basic pastry after me.
this is the greatest thing ever
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
I’m so single even my husband won’t match with me on tinder..
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business