Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

one thing that could really “level-up” the experience of being a pedestrian would be if cars had some kind of feature that could indicate to an outside observer whether or not they were going to turn in a particular direction

airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb

doctor: any allergies?

me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.

*Mom makes me take out the garbage*

*Garbage and I begin to date*

*I start taking things too fast*

*Garbage dumps me*

I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.

Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.

ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?

sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number

I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.

The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.

So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”

Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.

Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?

Me: It’s wrong.

sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks

My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.

In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.

Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.

Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*

Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.

Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘effusive’

“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”

That is correct. What was your name?

“It’s Siv”

I know lmao [hi5s other judge]

detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is

me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic

detective: but where exactly?

me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time

My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.

I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:

dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese

Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.

Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.

My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.

My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.

*narrows eyes*

You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs

He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk

Why are these idiots only giving robots two arms?

Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.

Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?

Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.

If you lick me, I taste like vodka.

Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…