🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
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Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
Axl Rose: welcome to the jungle
The jungle: please stop bringing people here
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.