🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
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My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
How software testing works
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.