🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
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I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.