🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
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Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.