Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities

My son 🙋🏽‍♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”

“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion

Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”

Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain

Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain

Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck

GPS: We have arrived at the bank.

Me: Okay, great.

GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.

Me: …What?

GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.

Me: I’m not going to rob —

GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun

What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?

M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!

H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!

M: Never mind, carry on.

FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME

[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.

Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”

that’s me in the corner, that’s me using Microsoft Word, losing my revision

[approaches parent with child on a leash]

“Mind if I pet your dog?”

Hey that’s my son!

“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”

Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.

Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one

The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.

The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.

I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it

If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?

me: i lost my luggage.

airport worker: did you carry on?

me: *sigh* how can i?

The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup

Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.

I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning

I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”

[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13

I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing

INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?

ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.

I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel

Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death

Gladiator: Hell yeah

Madiator: well this is bullshit