🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
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Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
Crooks rob Chase™ Bank.
Cops chase bank robbers.
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
Airport police say that the number of people smuggling helium balloons in their luggage is under control.
But cases continue to rise.
My plans: 2020:
Hello bedtime my old friend,
My brain is laughing once again.
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
Happy Halloween 🎃
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.