đ¶Summer lovinâ, had me a blast
Summer lovinâ is especially sweatyđ¶
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[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squireâŠdo you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
The rest of the world: Itâs so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: Itâs so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
âI Wish I Had Her Skin!â
â Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didnât know I had a choice. What are the options?
Her: Undress me with your wordsâŠ
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that itâs perfect.
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
Lmao at people who âplay Devilâs advocateâ like Lucifer doesnât already own all the lawyers.
my cats when I donât feed them in a timely fashion
Hooters is shutting down a lot of locations, which is very shocking, but even more surprising that an owl themed restaurant lasted that long.
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, âthis is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.â
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and itâd be the same scary show.
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service itâs because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
Iâm hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the childrenâs hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
pictures of spider-man
My thoughts are as pure as snow⊠after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
Me trying to âtrust the processâ
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I wonât do that.
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house âif youâre gonna get lice, people, get it now!â
My son asked me why thereâs so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
âHeâs probably more afraid of you than you are of him,â I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying thereâs gluten in it.
Iâm raising an evil genius.